The Truth Shall Set You Free...

But it will also make you question whether you did the right thing...and for the right reasons...ack!!

Dos Boots....

Well, it's a darn good thing that I sold my blogher tickets...I can't imagine walking around downtown Chicago with two CAM walker boots on.

Turns out we are right on schedule with the left and adding the right foot treatment in now. The right foot is becoming worse than the left and they think I might have a stress fracture on top of the tendon problems. Yeah, once again I am an overachiever.

I'm off for an MRI this afternoon of my right foot...then we'll try CAM walker on both feet, orthotics and PT...if that doesn't work then I will be referred to Loyola for surgery.

All in all I am very comfortable with this diagnosis and with my new doctor. At no time during my appointment was he in my personal space or did he say something unprofessional to me...I had forgotten what a good doctor looked like...today was a good reminder.

So onward and upward...and let's hope that while I'm stumbling around like Frankenstein that I don't break something else...you know, like my neck.....

Waking Up From a Nightmare....

Have you ever gone through an experience that feels like your never going to get out of it? One you feel trapped in and don't quite know how to make it stop? Yeah, I've been doing that for the past year or so....but in the last few months the situation has become extreme...

When I finally decided to say enough and remove myself from the situation I realized that I had been sleepwalking through my life. Instead of moving away I was stuck.

Now that things are settling down and I have time to look around I realize that the photo of my life is still slightly out of focus but all the main players are still here. I am AWAKE....

And oh boy, do things look differently to me now. I want to sing, music sounds so good to me now that I am constantly humming and whistling. Everything I see I want to photograph and I'm even playing with manual mode on my camera. Most of all, I want to WRITE. It's been a long time since I've felt that I had anything worthwhile to write that wasn't grumping and complaining, now I realize I have to find those things.

I have a husband who loves me (and believe me, that is a miracle), a daughter who is growing up way to fast, a beautiful roof over my head, a nice camera to take pictures with, good and helpful friends and family...and so much more to be thankful for....so, while I may not be posting every day, I will be back here more often....promise.

An Old Comfy Pair of Shoes....

Joe and I went out to dinner tonight for a date night. We went to Shaw's which is kind of our place...we always have a good time when we're there and the food is tremendous. Lobster and steak how can you go wrong (at least until you get the bill.)

We normally have dessert wrapped to go, for some reason I decided instead of getting dessert there we should stop by the mall and pick up some cheesecake (yeah, so I have a Starbucks habit, and a Sonic habit and a cheesecake habit...it could be worse, I could have a Culver's turtle sundae habit....uh yeah...I do.)

Anywho, we stop in to get our cheesecake and then decide to walk around in the mall a bit. We walk out of the restaurant and get ready to walk into the mall when I hear someone call, "Melissa!" At first I thought I was hearing someone calling someone else...I turned around and she called out, "Melissa!" again. I looked at her and said, "Cris?" and lo and behold it was a friend I haven't seen in almost 20 years.

The kind of friend who helped me through a divorce at 22, the kind of friend who I helped raise her kids, the kind of friend who helped get me in a lot of jams, the kind of friend who opened her life to me heart and soul.

I have never been a real huggy, lovey kind of person but we rushed into each others arms for a hug and it was like all the time slipped away and I wanted to know everything about her. We kind of looked at each other and wondered how this happened.

While I was stuttering around looking for something to write on she mentioned FaceBook and told me where to find her. When I got home (after some wink, wink, nudge, nudge) I made sure to work my way over to friend her.

I'm so excited to reconnect with my old friend, see where her grown children are, find out what's new in her life...and I'm still shocked that after all this time she knew who I was, every time I think of it I smile.

So now I finally understand what it's like for people who use FaceBook to connect up with old friends from school and so on...and now I'll stop picking on y'all, as I reacquaint myself with my old friend....

Because We All Need a Little Applause Now and Then...

I don't think I mentioned it but I took my very first piano lesson today. I even got to use the adult learning book (less pictures). I lived through the first lesson with just a few mistakes...I'm dreading learning to read sheet music considering I can't even remember what note my fingers are on, but I figure that's going to take more than one day to pick up.

Since we aren't ready to buy a piano and that isn't something that you can rent easily (yeah, I'll just throw that baby in the back of my SUV) we went out and bought a keyboard to practice on...though I didn't get any homework...odd.

Of course we've been screwing around with it since we got home (somehow I have a feeling we're all going to be learning to play the piano...not a bad thing). Joe was just playing with the tones and he found a key that played applause....I knew I liked this keyboard....can you imagine me standing in front of the keyboard listening to clapping all day...uh yeah, you'll know where to find me.

When I was younger we used to go to dinner with my grandparents and the restaurant we used to go to had a pianist who would always play Clair de Lune by Debussey....it is one of my all time favorite songs and makes me think of my Poppie every time I hear it...I sure do miss that man.

My goal is to eventually be able to play that song if I have to practice for the next five years...I can't wait.

Here's the song I'm talking about just in case you want to give it a listen....

The Gang's All Hair....

Learned a valuable lesson this week...you can change your appearance on the outside but it doesn't change how you feel on the inside....

I'm going back to brown hair tomorrow...can't wait.

Sharing Is Caring....

The other day I got up and like I do every day I headed off to Starbucks for my cuppa Joe.

I decided that morning to change my routine and take Hope with me (usually she stays home with Joe). So she goes along for the ride, sings to the music (if I have to listen to Poker Face one more time I might pull out my hair) and just basically hangs out with Mommy until I can get my fix.

I asked Hope if she wanted a chocolate chip cookie on the way over. Then I also asked her if she would share it with me...joking of course.

About 5 minutes later we pull up to the drive thru, I order and pull up to the window to pay. I pass Hope her cookie and wait for my coffee. Hope taps me on the shoulder and says, "here Mommy" and passes me half of her cookie.

The first thing she had done when I handed her the bag is split the cookie in half. I really didn't want the cookie but I knew that this was a big enough deal that I should eat the cookie and shut up.

I praised her for sharing when she said that she had even given me the bigger half because that's what you do when you share.

After I picked myself up off the floor I praised her again. I'm so glad that she is learning manners...and I would like to think that possibly this is one thing as parents we've done correctly.

And wouldn't you know it, that was the best damn chocolate chip cookie I've ever eaten....

Wow, That's Harder Than I Thought...

I got to try out the "I don't need everyone in my life to like me" saying today....EPIC FAIL!!

Ya Gotta Wanna....

I used to tag along with a friend to AA meetings about 15 years ago. At the end of the meetings they would stand up and say the Serenity Prayer and then say...

"it works when you work it"

Seems like a little statement, kind of a blow off, or maybe it's just to obvious because before this week, I really didn't get it. I mean really, if you're going to AA aren't you already working it?

Maybe not, I've been going to therapy for 7 months and I have recently found that I haven't "been working it." I very desperately wanted to stop about a month ago, I knew I was going to need to make some big changes and I didn't want to. It's so easy to say that the shrink doesn't know what she's talking about, or the problem is someone else and not me.

Uhm yeah, the shrink knows what she's taking about and the problem is me. It was pointed out to me this week that I need to make some serious changes and if I don't...well, lets just say my sanity/life might be on the line.

And it was finally serious enough that I thought, "oh $hit, things have to change." I have to find out what is making me feel so out of control and destructive. And amazingly, when I wanted to see what was happening, *POOF* there it was. And can I tell you what an epiphany it was? It was almost like a "well, duh!" moment. Like how could I have not seen this before now....

Things I've learned this week....

* Once you have lost trust, you can't gain it back....EVER.

* Even though I make bad choices, if I own up to them, say sorry and learn from them...my family and friends will support and love me....even though I feel as if I don't deserve it.

* Modeling behavior really does work...and if your lucky enough when you need it modeled back to you the person will remember and do exactly that.

* I don't need everyone in my life to like me.

* Sometimes I don't understand what my shrink is talking about and I need to ask more questions.

* If someone is touching you and it makes you feel uncomfortable you need to speak up, not continue to take it in stride....again, if someone is saying something that makes you uncomfortable you should do the same.

* You can't change the past by trying to relive it differently in the future. Somehow you need to move past it...I'm still figuring this one out....

This is the first time in a long time that I can't wait to see my therapist next week. I have so many questions to ask her.

I hope these breakthrough's mean I am on the road to true recovery because I start with a new doctor on the 15th and could very well be having surgery very soon. I need to be as sane as possible to get through the changes.

Please wish me luck...

I'm A Really Bad Judge of Character...Or Maybe Some People Are Just Really BAD Human Beings....

For quite some time I have wondered if I was capable of making the right choice, you sure wouldn't know it by the last 3 years I've had. Every new year I decide that this year can't be as bad as the last and yet, I'm surprised every year when yup, it's worse.

What I've decided is not that the years are getting worse, just the people that I chose to have around me. Have you ever wondered about the people that you chose to have around you? Have you ever thought about how those people affect not only you but your family?

It's all about the ripple effect. One bad person in your life can hurt so many people with one easy stroke and your decision to have this person in your life doesn't just hurt you....it hurts everyone.

I have consistently chosen to trust bad people...if there was a room with 99 good people and 1 bad person you have to know which one I would pick. Does that make me co-dependent, the abused, or submissive (how I hate to write any of these words about myself). And yet, I have been all of these things in the last 3 years.

Ironically, I found something today that I have been missing for a long time....my backbone. And I made a change, a big change. One that I hope will help me get back on the right track to only healthy relationships with people who truly care about what I need and what is good for me.

I'm thankful today for baby steps, for people who are proud of me, for my shrink who seems to be just hard enough on me but then tells me its ok to feel the way I do, I'm thankful for my husband who has dealt with more $hit from me then he has ever deserved in the last year, friends who come to the rescue and call when I need it most, for my daughter who I miss so much now that she is gone most of the day.

I'm most thankful for options, for being able to make this change, for showing the courage to be able to move beyond this difficult point in my life and try to do something GOOD. Here's hoping that even if I can't be made whole, I'll at least be made healthy in the process.

Attitude of Gratitude....

I just got back from an appointment with my shrink. She asked me if I would write a list every day of two things that I'm thankful for, so here goes.....

* I'm thankful last night when I fell in the bathroom that I didn't have to go to the hospital. And that when I woke up in the bathtub that I hadn't broken any bones.

* I'm thankful for the Ambien that helps me sleep....or sleepwalk, whichever comes first.

* I'm thankful for the doctor that puts a cast on my foot when I ask and then listens to me when I complain and grump about the same cast.

* I'm thankful that we have the $285 we paid in co-pays last month for the 16 doctors visits I had, though I'm sure that would have gone a long way towards our trip to Italy.

* I'm thankful for happy pills, even though they don't seem to make me nearly happy enough...maybe I need to take more.

* I'm thankful tomorrow I have the last of the third shots in my neck, even though I have to get up at 4am...just think I'll be home early enough not to miss the whole day.

* I'm thankful God trusts me enough to handle all this stress and upset in my life. Though lately I have to say, I wish he didn't trust me nearly as much.

What are you thankful for?

To My Girls...

As you all have read here, this has not been my year. After last year I was SURE this year couldn't possibly be worse...yeah, what is that they say "people plan, God laughs..." pretty much how my year is going.

My shrink says I'm an all black or all white kind of person...there is just no middle ground for me. And you know as much as I hate to admit it, she is totally right. I had myself convinced that this summer was going to be different than last. The shots were going to help my elbow and I was going to be done, healed, 100%....and then this ankle thing popped up and knocked me on my ass, literally.

Guess what, my life is a whole new shade of grey...

While I have struggled this year there has been one constant. The faith in my girlfriends to be there with me while I went through some life changing moments and they have been. Whether a phone call, text message or impromptu trip, they have all been there for me in one way or another.

When I was in my 20's I lamented that most of my friends had fallen away after we bought our first house. They started to have kids and we didn't which put us into the childless circle. When it took us longer to have Hope we were some of the older parents with a young child, again we missed the friendship boat.

Finally when we built this house and moved in we found what we were looking for. Both Joe and I found friends. Real friends, the kind that listen to you complain about the same thing for months. The kind that celebrate the good moments and cry with you in the bad.

The kind that bake you gluten free brownies, the kind you can go away for a weekend with and just sit on the bed and watch E! instead of running 24/7, the kind that drop in to find out what's going on with you, the kind you want to see succeed, the kind that takes a check from you at a garage sale for that Coach purse you just have to have.

And of course, the kind that laughs at you and with you when you do jazz hands in the driveway, have a few boxes of candy canes hit you on the head and the kind that travels into the woods with you and doesn't freak out when none of us have cell reception.

So thank you Karyn, Nanci, Jules, Deb, Donna, Diane and my BFF Sarah! I really couldn't do it without all of you checking up on me, making me laugh or just helping me get through my day.

I hope someday I can return the favor....or maybe at some point I already have...

Don't Walk, Unless The Other's Do...

Seems like 100 years since I've last posted anything on my blog. I think I've just kind of lost my mojo.

Turns out that I won't be going to BlogHer this year. I just sold my ticket with the hopes that if I got rid of it my ankle would miraculously heal...uh yeah, about that....not so much. I'm having an MRI on Tuesday and if the tendon is torn I believe I'm looking at surgery much sooner than I had anticipated and just for grins, my right foot is also hurting. So we stagger and work on one and hope for the best on the other.

I had my second neck injection today, only one more to go and then I'm done there. If this doesn't help my elbow then I'm just going to have to live with whatever pain is left after all three shots, I'm hoping for the best. The injection wasn't nearly as scary today, thank goodness.

I had a lot of plans for this summer with Hope. Do you ever wonder if your the best parent your child could have while growing up? I was chatting with my Dad today and asked him why he never complained about his pain when I was growing up (he has PA). He said,"the doctors just told him to keep moving."

I can't remember a time where he just sat down and said "I can't do this anymore." Now I can't decide if he was a genius or a moron but I know he was there for all of our vacations, family functions and anything else we did together as a family.

And I have a hard time getting through a 3 day vacation without napping through most of it.

I've known all of my life that I have RA but I can't help but feel like Hope and Joe are getting the raw end of this deal. I would just like to be the mom and wife that I had pictured...and I understand as we grow older that picture changes, it's just lately that picture doesn't seem to be of someone I'm familiar with...or someone I want to be.

I know I need to adapt and accept the changes that are happening in my life but what I really want to do is stop the progression of this disease, to be able to take a breather, a time out if I may.

I know I won't get that choice and as you all know me, I will pusher harder and longer than I ever have to give my daughter a good summer if I have to use a freaking wheelchair...but the little girl in me is saying, "aww f*ck, do I have too"?

When All Else Fails, Put Up Pictures....

Now you know what I've been doing this week...

Did I Say That With My Outside Voice....

So, today is my first full day with my walking boot. Needless to say dragging that heavy thing around has not made my day any more enjoyable.

I pulled into the library parking lot and proceeded to try and get out of the car. Now remember this thing goes all the way up to my knee. It makes it difficult to get it moving and then shove the heavy thing out of the car.

So I was grumping and groaning and maybe a little moaning here and there when I looked up and saw a guy watching me. I finally managed to throw my leg out of the car and stand up when I said,

"Oops, I said that out loud, huh?

He bust out laughing and said,

"That was pretty hard work wasn't it...."

As I limped into the library trying really hard to blend in with the asphalt in the parking lot I heard his parting shot...

"Don't worry, it will get better."

Does this guy know something I don't, because I don't think it's going to be getting better until I get to turn this little baby back in for RECYCLING....

Reuse, Reycle, Renew....

I'm all about recycling...in fact, we are always spouting the title line around the house...not sure if that's the right order but the general meaning is the same....don't throw your $hit away, recycle it.

That said, there are things that shouldn't be recycled like, tampons, poopy diapers,...well, you get my drift. Today I went to pick up my new CAM Walker Boot...which is not really true, the best way to describe it is my "new to me CAM Walker Boot." (Did you all just shudder a bit...yeah, I thought so.)

I was telling you in a different post that my doctor couldn't just give me a boot at his office. We had to get special permission to use an out of network provider...so I wait the pre-requisite 7 days while I hope my tendon doesn't rupture and then finally get the paperwork. I gave them a jingle and set up an appointment for this afternoon. She made a big point of telling me they double book appointments all the time...so I showed up 20 minutes early thinking extra time would be good. I seriously was the only person in the building that didn't work there. Not a good sign.

I go into the office and talk with the tech there. She was really sweet and commented on my beautiful toe art....yeah, not a good sign. Then she went to go and get my boot....you know, the one they don't have in half sizes for people like me...who have to drag around a extra half size boot because my feet aren't big enough for a normal size.

Now I know this couldn't have been the first CAM Walker she's ever put on a patient before but yikes if she didn't look like this is the first one of these she's ever seen. Then I took a good look at my "new to me" boot. It is what I will call from hence forth "pre-dirtied." Don't you love an insurance company that thinks of the important details like "pre-dirtying" your "new to you" boot? Now I've heard of cheap insurance companies before but I really believe this takes the cake.

On my left foot I am wearing a boot that has probably been "pre-worn" I believe that would be the politically correct way to put it. Or the way I put it....some other person with smelly feet has been wearing my boot and they scuffed it all up (yeah, not very PC am I?)

Now, I'm all about recycling but what's next, recycling underwear...uhm, eww!

The insert is a new one so I'm not totally skeeved out but she made a big point of telling me if I chose to clean it before I give it back how to do it...and if I don't feel like cleaning it, then I shouldn't. (How come I have a picture of a 70 year old man with bunions, smelly feet and gout being the one that used this boot before?) I mean come on if you aren't keeping the boot it should be mandatory to clean the darn thing before you drop it off.

And seriously, is my insurance leasing my freaking Boot??? Will I get dinged when I turn it back in if I spill ketchup on the liner, lose a piece of the velcro (this thing has like 12 velcro straps) or scratch up the plastic backing?

Not only do they do CAM Walkers there they also do helmets for little ones with misshaped noggins...do you suppose they reuse those...."oh, don't mind the crusty spot there it just boogers from the last kid who used it....worked fine for him....don't worry about cleaning it."

So at least at the end of the day I can say I recycled, renewed and reused....that's me saving the world one smelly, crusty CAM Walker at a time....sheesh!!

That New Car Smell...

So, I finally got my new car on Saturday. Needless to say, it didn't go quite as seamlessly as we had hoped (I mean seriously how long does it take to wash a car?)

So, when they wanted to tell us all about all the bells and whistles we pretty much threw the guy out of the car and slammed the door in his face.

Now this car is the same kind of car I've been driving for the last 5 years. Pretty much everything that I had on the old car I have on the new car...it's just all moved around to a different place.

The gear shifter is in the same place in between the seats. It's a slapstick...yeah, I have no idea what that is either but just in case I need it, I have it. Anyway, this one is so different that I threw it into what I thought was reverse and nearly drove through the dealership. Just imagine the look on the sales persons face as I nearly ran him over....oops (betcha next time it won't take them 30 minutes to wash my car).

So I thought, "wow, that's a mistake I won't make again." You know, at least until I nearly drove through the front window of the Subway....talk about drive through food.

Today I decide to go shopping at Walmart (yeah, I can hear Dr. Hottie hollering at me as I type) I park and go in without thinking about where I parked...yeah, after wandering around for 10 minutes in the parking lot looking for a black car, I finally had to press the panic button to find my car.

And finally, Hope gets in the car and takes a whiff and starts to complain about 'new car smell.' Now I know people that actually pay for that smell and Hope is complaining? Obviously my daughter has never spent $32,000 on a car....new car smell is EXPENSIVE!!!